What Fake Doms? The Growing Threat To BDSM

Dominant's position over you can be a fun experience, in contrast, it can be an abusive nightmare. Unfortunately, as BDSM has grown the number of uneducated people has grown with it too. This overview will explain what makes quality Doms and what makes fake (abusive) Doms. This education will empower you to protect yourself, and the people you care about from toxic dynamics.

Fake Doms

The idea stems from Doms that fail to adhere to the core principles in BDSM. BDSM (is) meant to be a fun and safe experience in any relationship, though some choose to use BDSM as a vessel to have an excuse to live out unhealthy dynamics and relationships. Fake Dom’s disregards core principles in BDSM resulting in toxic/dangerous experiences for some.

Dominant kinks are visually similar to being controlled, told what to do, being hit/punished, etc… these are also true of real abusive relationships. Not all know the difference, especially when they are new to BDSM. Fake Doms push the bounds beyond what is safe and good for their partner, building an ultimately unhealthy and toxic dynamic. Fake Doms can exploit that trust/control under the guise of being “Your Dom” and in many cases disregarding cardinal rules like consent, respect, trust, care, safety, and maintaining a healthy relationship above all.

A healthy BDSM relationship (for the majority) has an understood separation between the relationship and the dynamic. If your Dominant uses BDSM to push you beyond your limits and beliefs causing you to be uncomfortable that is bad, if you are pushed and they do not listen that is far worse. A true Dom will value your feelings and opinions, if they reject, ignore, or downplay your opinions/limits that massive red flag they are not a real Dominant.

Fake Doms (May)

• Make you stop talking to all friends, especially those of genders you have a sexual orientation towards.
• Ask for access to your social media, phone, or otherwise private information or request to know who you talk to, how long, or similar. Generally being tpp invasive in your private life with friends.
• Point blame at you (or others), never taking accountability themselves.
• Fail to listen to your feelings, concerns, or boundaries. Pushing ones that benefit them selflessly at the cost of your safety/happiness.
• Careless for your needs, putting their displeasure or problems above your own and tossing you to the side.
• Turns casual conversation into pressuring for sex and lewds, failing to build a quality relationship on merits of compatibility/interest (beyond sex).
• They are pathological liars who twist trust to their advantage, taking positions (you) misunderstood or (you) are crazy and if you catch them, “it won’t happen again”. Then it does happen again.
• Constantly wearing you down mentally to give in to something you are uncomfortable with.
• Often having too good to be true or otherwise grandiose stories about themselves to charm your opinion. Stories that build them to be experts of sorts or otherwise the “be all, end all” of x thing(s) where only they are capable of being right and are critical of others because of said “their expertise”. This behavior is a common way to force your reliance on them for information that they can twist to their benefit to further manipulate you.

Genuine Doms

• Emphasizes the need for good communication in the relationship, allowing you to speak your mind and bring up concerns whenever possible.
• Accept your limits and boundaries, never performing an act you previously expressed concerns/did not consent to. Boundaries must always be followed. If boundaries are a problem to a dynamic (as the relationship grows) they should have a healthy conversation of what you want, they want prior to any scene.
• Look out for your wellbeing, safety, and mental health without exception, even at the cost of their satisfaction/enjoyment.
• They value your friendship and personality, rather than consider you a sexual object. There should be a healthy friendship/relationship beyond the D/S dynamic to back up your dynamic.

Inexperienced Doms

Not all Doms will have the understanding or knowledge needed for being a good & genuine Dominant, this is normal and part of learning to be a Dom. It takes time for a Dominant to find their voice with trial and error. In those moments of having awkward moments, laughs, and fails that does not make you any less genuine or “fake”. If you respect the values of BDSM and hold them to your heart you are a real dominant. We all start somewhere :)

Conclusion

The reality is Fake Doms exist in greater numbers than ever before as BDSM has become more mainstream. It is more important than ever as younger, less experienced BDSM members join the community to protect the vulnerable through education. Being able to tell the difference between a caring, respectful and honest Doms and a serial abuser is hard, often people deny they are in an abusive relationship despite clear evidence otherwise. Submissives put their trust into Doms to treat them right, and it is all too easy for Fake Doms to take advantage of that to further their selfish goals under the guise of being a “Dom”. BDSM to newcomers can be murky to understand when physical force, control, and degradation are common concepts in kink dynamics, these very same concepts are hallmarks of truly abusive relationships too. What is the difference? That stuff stays in your bedroom. Fake Doms take it to an unacceptable level. You should never be fearful/avoidant of your Dom. If you ever notice these behaviors in your relationships, take the steps to move on. Often victims are blind to these signs and if you are considering this sounds familiar to what you are in now, know you can do better and be happier with what the BDSM community has to offer you with honest people.