Kink Shamming & Gate Keeping

Kink Shaming

This is when a kink is used to promote negativity. Most often shamming comes from someone who disagrees with a kink or its concept. They speak their beliefs outwardly. If you encounter a kink you disagree with, you should keep your opinion to yourself. One of the wonders of the BDSM community is its diversity. If you are morally against someone’s kink that is fine but keep it to yourself. That said discussing your dislikes and how they relate to your interests with potential partners is acceptable. Telling people who didn’t ask your opinion is not acceptable.

That said some kinks are outright illegal or truly obscene, these are often banned by state/national laws or often dungeon rules. There are limits to BDSM, the good thing is many never touch them. There is no line of what is to be unacceptable or not and this causes a great deal of friction in the overall BDSM community. While most agree that “the bad stuff” is unacceptable, the rest of the kinks fall somewhere in a grey area. Case and point, states even make sadism on a consenting masochist illegal (like in New York) so do your homework on dungeons, groups, communities, and munches you attend and make sure they fit your kinks and if you are accepted there.

Gate Keeping

BDSM is a community of diversity, with each kink/term having various meanings to an individual. BDSM/Kinks represent an opinion, no one governs what kinks are defined as. Many try to define themselves by a term, but in my experience, terms mean different things to different people. We are complex human creatures with complicated emotions, beliefs, and interests. If your definition is remotely close in spirit, not defined better elsewhere then use whatever you feel most comfortable with. Therefore, it is recommended to ask your partners what their kinks mean to them. When engaging others, it is best to keep your opinions to yourself for what a kink means, instead recognize how beliefs differ and understand them better. Gatekeeping is a toxic trend where some say you are not X if you do not like A B C. Do not fall into this kind of mindset, instead focus on inclusivity.