Introduction To BDSM

BDSM is an expansion of the dominant and submissive roles, already present in our relationships. Taking what is there and going further to create a deeper experience. BDSM is about the personal journey to find what makes you deviant and the connections with others you make along the way.

What isn’t BDSM?

The most common first impression people have about BDSM, comes from porn. Pornography has expensive sets and equipment. This kit can approach $1000’s of dollars and is out of reach for most and should be for good reason. Like with any new venture, you should stay within your comfort level, before dumping money. Learn what you want out of BDSM, before buying expensive equipment that you may not even enjoy using. Having a bedroom and a small array of toys is all that is needed to have a meaningful experience for most. If you want a lavish experience, check your local area for rentable/public dungeon spaces before diving too deep into the pocketbook!

Is everyone a slave 24/7 to their master?!

Fifty Shades of Gray glamorizes this, through Total Power Exchange (TPE). TPE & 24/7 requires serious commitment in person and trust. Some may roleplay 24/7 online, but most agree it’s a far different beast in person for obvious reasons. Kinks like this make up a fraction of the community, despite them getting much attention. In BDSM you should maintain your core needs. BDSM is always a mutually beneficial relationship, when done correctly. Not a parasitic one.

What do the three roles mean in BDSM?

In BDSM, there are three primary roles:

Submissives (Sub or Subby)
Dominants (Dom [Male/Female], Domme/Mistress[))
Switches (Switch)

Roles describe a person’s interest and position in BDSM. A Dom enjoys the feeling of power over a Sub, while a Sub would enjoy the sense of the Dom’s control over them. Switches enjoy both sides of BDSM by “switching” between a Dom or a Sub mindset. In some cases, switches may limit their role altogether and be either dominant or submissive if their partner is not a switch. No matter your dynamic, it is healthy to have a conversation if they accept your boundaries, kinks, and roles.

Tip: You may hear the term “Vanilla”. This is used to describe people who are not involved/slightly involved in BDSM and are “Vanilla” in their sexual / kink interest. This means either means they are not kinky, or not involved in the BDSM community.

Do I need to know if I am a Dom, Sub, or Switch?

Yes! Role dynamics are pivotal to having a good experience in BDSM. Roles determine what kind of individuals will be more inclined to interact with you. Knowing your role can also help with gaining a better understanding of yourself and what you like. It will give your partner a better understanding of your preferences and boundaries. Remember that you know yourself better than anyone else!

If you’re uncertain of your role, you can use the BDSM test at the bottom of this site once you get done reading this guide. There is no right or wrong role, and your role may even change in time as you become more exposed to various kinks, or even change partner to partner if they hit all the right spots.

The Submissive Is In Control

Despite the role of a dominant being in control, real control comes from the submissive. When things feel weird, or something hurts too much, the submissive will be the first to know and should tell the dominant to stop. Dominants must respect these boundaries and limits, this means at any point the submissive has control to stop what is happening if they feel the need to. Do not be afraid to speak up as a submissive, a good Dom will always want that communication from you to prevent further issues, and at times rely on your communication for your safety.

What does a BDSM relationship look like?

The vast majority of BDSM is done in monogamous relationships. Some individuals prefer a more commitment-free approach to BDSM, while others desire a poly/open experience with multiple people. Much like with any relationship, it’s what you want it to be. There is no right or wrong, and there are plenty of people out there to meet your needs if you want long-term, short-term, or something in between. A healthy functioning BDSM relationship has clear communication and understanding both ways. It’s essential to ensure that you and your partner are on the same page with where it stands and where you want to go. For example, many common kinks may conflict with a monogamous person’s desires or future goals. Setting boundaries is vital to avoid conflict. There is nothing wrong with wanting commitment or no commitment, but there is something wrong with stringing someone on under false promises for example.

Average people interested in a BDSM relationship, should not look all that different from a healthy relationship on the outside like anyone would have. One common mistake found in BDSM is inexperienced dominants calling what they are doing as being dominant when it’s toxicity and abuse. There should always be a separation between the BDSM factor and the actual relationship, blurring that line too often can be harmful for those unprepared. Consider reading:

Safety & Safe Words?

In BDSM consent is essential. One of the most essential elements of BDSM is establishing consent. Ultimately remember consent transcends BDSM, and it becomes a legal question that you don’t want to face. Consent is not something there should be confusion about, you either have it or you don’t. As per US law (may vary) consent can be revoked at any time. This is why drinking, or drugs are often frowned upon in BDSM scene. In some places, it’s even illegal for someone to consent to masochism (like New York).

To ensure safety and consent all BDSM partners should use what are called “Safe Words”. This is a special agreed-upon word that stops the scene right away, and the person in control needs to address the concerns of the affected partner. Safe words need to be taken seriously, as joking about them can undermine their value and put you in a dangerous situation if the time to use them comes.

BDSM can be dangerous in some scenarios, in rope bondage for example a Dom needs to be educated about nerve areas, circulation, and range of motion test. BDSM when done right, is about eliminating risk(s) that would cause true harm to an individual. It is always recommended to read a handful of guides and safety tips focused around / specialized in your interest before engaging with what you see online or hear. Online porn videos & gifs rarely show safety precautions or explain concepts, only the end of the result leading to the possibility to miss important safety points leading to harm to you or your partner. Always be informed! Lastly, it’s a great idea to not solely rely on your Dom for your safety. Learn about your own kink’s safety concerns so you can be part of the safety solution.

Starting Out

Think deeply about what you want out of BDSM. Are you someone who wants to dominate? Are you someone who wants to be dominated? Both? Finding out your role is important, the kinks you find interest in often will guide you towards your role. Once you have your role connecting with others is the next step. Reach out and join an online community like ours or look locally on sites like fetlife.com. This will help you get exposed to the language, topics, kinks, and expectations. Learn what works for you and what does not. If you are new and shy you can always make platonic connections with people in the community, just be upfront about that. Munches are considered a good way to meet platonic BDSM members, many are hosted locally through Fetlife.com. You can also join our community as well at to meet others in BDSM and ask questions.

https://join.devinatbound.com

Conclusion

BDSM community has grown rapidly in the last 10 years, it is a great time to dive in and learn what makes you tick. Whether you are new or experienced there is someone out there for you. Join a community like ours, go to local events (munches), or join sites like fetlife.com. BDSM is whatever you want it to be. Never forget BDSM is always about safety, respect, consent, and communication, keep these values on your shoulders never forget them, and never allow for less. BDSM is a personal journey, sometimes dynamics may fizzle when times get rough, and having a solid relationship to fall back on is an important thing in keeping things healthy, do not forget that! A relationship/friendship should flourish on its own. BDSM should not define it but be a way for it to grow stronger. Follow this and you will have a great dynamic with a great partner.

Helpful Websites & Other Resources

Websites & Resources

https://bdsmtest.org/ - BDSM Test to see what kind of traits and kinks you may be interested in. It will provide a link you will be able to share with others.

http://rekink.com/guides/kinks/ - List varying kinks and definitions that are common to rare. BDSM is all about what you are interested only.

http://www.bdsm-education.com/ - Another site containing BDSM education.

BDSM Equipment & Stores Pages

https://www.stockroom.com/- Been around since 1988 and has an depth selection for anything you could want.

https://kinkstore.com/ - Large online-focused around what name implies.

Expectations & Conduct For BDSM